When a pint of milk smashes onto the floor it becomes a pond of about six pints.

While I was waiting for my groceries to go through the lady at the till picked up a root ginger and said that the other day a young girl asked what it was and when told she said yeugh! How did she know what it tasted like if she didn’t know what it was..? Anyway, the lady at the till, looking at my mountain of fruit and veg said she can’t get her husband to eat fruit or veg, he doesn’t like them. He was one of 12 children in the family and as there was only one bread winner only the eldest son got a proper meal, the rest had to do with jeely pieces. It made me count my blessings again and  I thought what a good idea bogofs are!

Do not wipe off superglue with your hankie.

At an otherwise pleasant social gathering a local solicitor asked the Husband what he does for living.  The Husband said he’s an industrial designer, and mentioned one of his projects; the Solicitor asked Why do we need another street sweeper design?! Bless the Husband, he didn’t give a rude answer.

When you think about it, the visual aspect of just about everything is so important. How many times have you bought something that looks good but doesn’t perhaps work as well as something else that doesn’t look so good? Bought clothes that look great but you have to keep on adjusting them because they are too tight…too short…too loose… In the cupboard under the stairs I have a good looking coffee machine, a mincer, two juicers, tea maker, several elegant nut crackers, bottle openers… The good looking bread maker luckily stopped working while still under guarantee so I was able to replace it with one that’s user friendly. Also under the stairs there is a pile of old clothes. Did you know that when you leave clothes in the wardrobe too long they shrink? Anyway, why are there so many solicitors??

You can find a needle in the haystack. Use a very strong magnet.

While working one stormy rainy Sunday night I remembered my favourite programme was on. Regardless what buttons I pressed no picture appeared. Gadgets mysteriously malfunction when I’m near so the Husband came to the rescue. He cut his way through blue air and tried to control the telly. No picture appeared. Mumbling that it was perhaps the transmitter he escaped back to his Sunday papers. That’s fancy digital technology for you. I vowed to sell the telly and use the money for yoga and meditation. Maybe it was the wrong kind of rain. Maybe the wind was from the wrong direction to blow the programmes our way…

No matter what size the dog, the flea bite itches the same.

For many people the festive season is time for rest, relaxation, a wee holiday but for me it’ll be time to try to gather the frayed nerve ends. I’ll probably be working anyway. There are so many projects on the go at the moment that you lose track of who goes where and what happens when. One of the tasks is to replace the dog shed. The old rotten one (of Pisa variety) has to be dismantled, new base laid and new shed assembled – before Christmas. The dog incidentally needs go for her wee snip, before Christmas. Also, we are having a new greener central heating system installed, an air source heat pump – before Christmas… How a box of fans whirring away take cold air from outside and make water warm  inside baffles me. Then the house will need cleaning, festive supplies bought, food prepared and peaceful relaxing Christmas feeling created. And I should be working, I can hear Spring Fling and Glasgow Art Fair calling… Apologies to everybody who didn’t get a Christmas card. Did you hear that? It was a silent scream.

Do not store thinners in a polystyrene cup

I am very impressed by Mother Nature. It was a swan actually. I was watching a swan struggle in a pond. Half the pond was frozen over. The swan made a channel in ice, heaving itself onto the ice breaking it with its chest, over and over again, like an ice breaker ship until the ice got thicker. It managed to climb onto the ice and lying on its tummy, feet wide apart it pushed itself forward. It then stood up and walked towards the edge of ice. Just short of the edge it lowered itself and again, pushing with its feet it slid to the edge. The ice broke gently, the swan glided gracefully into water. Who had told it that when you spread the load the ice won’t break so easily?

The cat doesn’t like vacuuming. I have to do it.

It’s a small wonder I don’t rattle as I walk. Taking so many pills should be clearly audible. Cod liver oil, calcium, milk thistle, zinc, vitamins…I’ll take anything to help the body jog along – metaphorically speaking. I also eat a small mountain of fruit and veg  every day, up to 28 portions so far I think. I’ve just started taking co enzymes too. It is an immune booster I’m told. I’m hoping it will ward off bugs and lurgy, and also help me keep calm and (with a bit of push) increase brain power. I’m convinced all this is a good substitute for exercise.

The other day we went to the beach for a walk. The dog needed a walk, you understand. And I needed drift wood. To reach that beach you cross three fields downhill and some scrubland, on foot, which is ok on the way there . On the way back the gentle slope becomes miles of near vertical wall. Invariably you carry back a rucksack full of damp wood and a couple of decent size rocks. Pockets are full of pebbles and the camera around your neck becomes a millstone. By the time you reach the car your legs have turned to jelly, the lungs are on fire. Your jacket is like a Turkish bath, you have raging thirst and your face is an interesting shade of beet root. Now… aren’t there pills for building up muscle power and stamina..?

You can take our dog to water but you can’t make it swim. It’s a collie.

I shouldn’t be bragging but we got off lightly with the winter weather so far. No extreme cold, not much snow; the roads have been clear.  There have been some gorgeous sunny calm days too. The sprinkling of snow made the already beautiful scenery even better. The mountains and hillsides look different when covered in snow, you see different features. I should really keep quiet how good it is here otherwise everybody will want to come here! Most visitors are reasonable people but caravanners are different. Caravans should have an automatic ‘go-to-lay-by’ sensor when there are three cars behind them or have a feature that would transfer them into parallel existence, somewhere else, some other timezone, n’est pas?